This blog is a continuation of yesterday’s blog. Since I initially wrote it as one long piece that netizens would TLDR, it makes better sense when it flows from the previous thought. We said…
For a relationship to work, both parties must serve each other’s needs. Not just take for themselves.
Both parties keep talking about what the other should be doing. But neither of them are LISTENING. No one is acknowledging what the other is saying. No one even admits to the other party’s hurts. It’s an escalation of accusation.
This doesn’t just apply to marriages or romantic relationships. It works for family, friendships, and even work relationships. If your perspective is about how people aren’t serving your needs and how you need to take what you can while you can, then that relationship is gonna stay weak, if not die altogether.
Here are some examples:
“Eh, sila muna magsorry, sila yung unang nagkamali.”
(Need: I need to be apologized to. Alternative: Why not just forgive the person first regardless of whether they apologize or not?)
“If I don’t do this for myself, then who will?”
(Need: I need to fulfill my own dreams because you won’t. Alternative: Why not believe that you can fulfill them together?)
“Why should I help them? They’ve never helped me.”
(Need: I need help, and you need help. But because you wouldn’t help me, I won’t help you. Alternative: Don’t you see how this is a lose-lose scenario?)
“Why should I give this person a chance when they’ve failed me so often?
(Need: I need to protect myself from your inadequacies and I don’t believe you’ll ever change. Alternative: If you really have no hope for the person, why are you in that relationship in the first place?*)
Someone will ask, “But what if the person never meets my needs? How will they ever get met?” And that’s the fundamental issue of the relationship. Is it there to meet your needs or is it there so you can meet other people’s needs? Am I married to my wife so she can meet my needs or so that I can be a channel to met hers?
And who will meet my needs if not my partner? I’ve given the clue already when I said “channel.” God will. That’s why the only way my relationships with other humans will work out is I go there full – affirmed because He believes in me, purposeful because He made me for a reason, joyful because He’s a God who know how to enjoy Himself, forgiving because I’m forgiving, and loving because I’m loved.
You put two people like that together in a relationship, and nothing will ever make them quit each other.
*One Huge Disclaimer: Not all relationships are meant to last for life. Work relationships, friendships, dating relationships, and even some marriages will end. Simply because it takes two to make it happen and there really are some jerky, evil, selfish people out there.
So that’s why I don’t just need God to help me. I need the person I’m with to know that too. Otherwise, the relationship can’t go much deeper. That’s alright for friendships and working relationships. But that’s going to be tragic for dating relationships and especially marriages.
Here’s a simple but great blog from Pastor Paolo Punzalan on how tell if a relationship isn’t working out.
