This blog is intended to help and bring insight to people. Please feel free to share this with others. It’s not a platform for shaming, embarrassing, or calling anyone out. Any comments of that nature will be deleted.
While it is addressed to the men, women are welcome to read, comment, and share, especially since their perspective would be quite valuable.
This is the second of a series of blogs on How to Get the Girl. If you’re starting here, I highly recommend going back and reading the first one because the concepts connect to each other.
The last blog ended with the Mindset of Value. This mindset is convinced that the girl is making the right decision in choosing you. The conviction that says, “Choose me and I will spend the rest of our lives showing you you made the right decision.”
Now, that’s easy to say, but hard to pull off. It’s one thing to have the thickness of face (kapal ng mukha) to go up to a girl and say that. But if there’s no substance to back it up, it won’t inspire admiration from anyone.
So here now are some of the Assets men can use to increase the Value they bring into a relationship.
Now, let’s be clear about this list:
- Women value these differently. It’s not a formula. You could be perfect in all the categories and the girl you like still won’t like you. That’s just the way it is sometimes.
- There’s no need to perfect everything. Just find the few that you can do and that matter to the girl you like and develop those.
Physical appearances have an effect. That’s just reality. Unfortunately, not all of us are as physically gifted as this guy. Does that mean there’s no hope for us?
Well, thankfully no. (I should know, right?) Yes, some girls are very particular about the man’s physical attributes – washboard abs, hair like Thor, etc. But not every girl is looking for an Abercrombie & Fitch model. When they’re talking about your looks, it has less to do with how you are now, and more to do with what it means for the future.
See, forward-looking women will evaluate a man, not just on his current state, but on his trajectory – where is this guy going to be in the coming years? If at this point in your life you look like you aren’t interested in making an effort to improve yourself physically, how much more when you’re in a long term relationship?
All of that to say, just make an effort to groom yourself, dress decently in well-fitting clothes, and try to be fit. That’s the most we can do without going through plastic surgery. But please, try the other tips before going under the knife.
While it’s true that some girls (like some guys) are really all about the money, many girls are not. So what are they looking for when it comes to money? For most of them, it doesn’t have to be a billionaire.
What the majority of women in a survey I read expressed was this (very encouraging) thought: Financial security comes from an emotional feeling that this man will do whatever is necessary to provide for me and our family. In short she wants to know, “Are you willing to do what it takes?” Because if not, women are capable of working hard and providing for themselves, they might not be interested in a relationship with a freeloader.
Remember the principle of the trajectory. You may not have a lot now, but does your life show the ability to make, manage, and save money? If so, someone could look at that and say, “Here’s a man worth taking a risk with.”
This seems to be the weapon of choice of many guys. “I’ll be nicer to her than anyone else.” And that’s a good thing, but here are two things to keep in mind with niceness:
- If you’re only nice when it’s convenient for you or to get something from her, then you really aren’t being nice. You’re a user. And girls will feel the difference.
- Niceness isn’t enough. Some men seem to think that just because they’re so nice to the girl, she almost owes them a date or a relationship. Not true. If you were always nice to the girl, but never direct in communicating your desire to be in a relationship with her, don’t get mad if she doesn’t read your mind. That’s your fault for not stepping up and taking the risk.
4. Togetherness a.k.a. You Have It Together
This means you can take care of yourself. You’re not dependent on someone else. You can pull your own weight and clean up your own messes. If you can’t get your own life in order, how can you expect a girl to jump in with you? No, stop the ship from sinking first, then invite someone aboard.
A guy who wants to get the girl must be willing to take the risk. Make the call! Don’t waver and say, “Well, only if it’s okay, if it’s not then never mind…”
This is where many “nice guys” fail. They hover around, but never make any definitive moves. What’s a girl to do? Then they wonder why women are willing to put up with jerks. Maybe it’s because the jerks were willing to take a risk. (Or it’s also possible that’s the kind of guy the girl likes, in which case you can be a jerk too or pick a different girl.)
6. Something To Respect
Carla put it this way: A girl needs to see a man who’s strong in at least something in life. It might be his work, his passions, his hobbies, his advocacies, or whatever. But basically, she needs to see him in his place of strength. What is he strong at? What is he passionate about? What is he good at? Being strong in the right areas can compensate for weakness in others. (Tip: For most women, being strong in DOTA and LOL has zero or negative effect.)
If you don’t know where you’re strong or what you’re passionate about yet, maybe you should postpone looking for a girl and instead find that God-given identity God has for you. Then when you’ve found your niche in life, go looking for a girl again.
7. Good Conversation
Most men feel intimacy through physical touch. That’s why when the girl you like happens to touch you – say her arm grazing your arm – it feels like all your nerve endings are alive. And you both feel very close. That happens to women too (or so I’m told), but many women also feel intimacy through conversation – if they feel that they can have a good talk with a person.
So one area men can work on is their ability to talk to women. If your only modes of conversation shift between flirty pick-up lines and teasing her like she’s one of the boys, you’re gonna need to broaden your repertoire. One of the best ways to develop this is to learn to carry a regular conversation with girls you aren’t considering romantically. This will develop this much needed skill for any relationship.
8. Godly Character
We’re talking about value and one of the principles of value is that the more rare something is, the more valuable it becomes. And this is one quality that’s becoming rarer. I know that besides my chiseled physique and high forehead, this is one of the things that Carla liked about me. Your godly character counts for a lot – doing the right thing even when it’s unpopular, self-sacrifice, willingness to be corrected and take responsibility for mistakes.
Just don’t fall into the Niceness Trap in #3. Don’t think that just because you don’t get drunk along with the others, the girl will fall into your arms – you still have to man up, tell her how you feel, and go get her.
9. Being Persistent
There really is something to be said about being persistent. A good friend of mine was dumped by the girl he liked. Several months later, her feelings for him began to change and he pursued her, won her, married her, and continues to pursue her today. When we asked his wife years later why she gave him another chance she said, “He didn’t change in the way he treated me. He was consistent with how he pursued me in the past.” His persistence was what proved to her that he was the real deal and not some random suitor.
This list is already long, but I’m sure it’s incomplete. I welcome any suggestions or amendments in the comments.
My main hope for any men reading this is we realize two things:
- This is about value. If the girl sees something of value in you, she’ll jump in. If not, she won’t. Don’t blame her for not jumping in. Check yourself first if you’re providing something of value.
- There are so many areas to improve in! You might not have Bill Gates’ money, but you can work in other areas. Don’t shortchange yourself. You can be seen as someone of value, because you are someone valuable. (That’s for both the men and women.)
That’s it! Next Friday, I intend to write about the other side – what qualities are you looking for in a partner?