This blog is intended to help and bring insight to people. Please feel free to share this with others. It’s not a platform for shaming, embarrassing, or calling anyone out. Any comments of that nature will be deleted.
While it is addressed to the men, women are welcome to read, comment, and share, especially since their perspective would be quite valuable.
[table id=4 /]So what comes after dating? Like I’ve mentioned so many times in this series, I believe dating is process toward marriage. So sooner or later a dating relationship comes to an end – either it doesn’t lead to marriage or it does. Both outcomes are possible and acceptable. Today, we’ll talk about the latter.
If it doesn’t work out…
The dating relationship comes to a close when either or both parties see that marriage to each other is not an option in the future.
There’s nothing wrong with this conclusion. In fact, you can call the dating relationship a success because now you know that it wasn’t going to marriage and you can close that question in your mind.
Before dating Carla, there was another woman I was interested in. She was (is) godly, pretty, and we got along. I told her my feelings for her and my intention to get to know her better. So we dated for a short time.
After a few months, it became clear to both of us that the relationship wasn’t headed in that direction. So we talked over dinner and ended the process. It was short and sweet, and because we had been dating wisely, it wasn’t painful or a regretful moment.
If you’re dating someone now, and you realize that it’s not gonna get to marriage, don’t waste each other’s time. Act immediately.
1. Be honest
The best thing you can do is be honest.
Here’s a chart to help you decide how to tell the person.
2. Be gracious.
Don’t blame, point fingers, or try to hurt the person. There’s no need for that. First of all, if you had been dating wisely, hopefully the feelings haven’t gotten too out of control yet.
Secondly, your goal is just to GET OUT. No need to linger, to blame each other, or to turn this into a war.
3. Be definite.
If you’re ending it, END IT. Don’t try to hang out again for old time’s sake. Don’t get together just on the day of your anniversary. That’s creepy and unnecessary. Are you gonna continue that tradition when you do find the girl for you? Don’t start it now.
If you become friends after that’s great. But don’t go into friendship mode right away. End it first, then let the friendship grow again (if it does.)
This also means, don’t position yourself as your new advisor in all potential men in her future. You aren’t her guardian now. You’re like an actor who walked onto the wrong set. Say you’re sorry, get out quickly, and find the set you’re supposed to be on.
Don’t be EPAL.
The only exception!
The only exception is if you, the guy, still want to give it a try even if the girl says it’s not gonna happen. If that’s the case, back off as far as she says, but hang around and see what happens. Maybe it could restart again. One of my good friends has a story like that which I’ve been trying to get him to blog.
We’re almost done! This Friday is the last entry for If It Does Work Out. When and How to take the dating relationship to the next level.
Our usual suspect is at it again! He just blogged on the same topic as well, check out his website for a hilarious take on the same topic.
Wow, what a revelation Pastor Jo (re the girl prior your wife). Natawa ako sa ” monster.” Epal is colloquial for ma- papel, i think. So it can be explained as someone who likes to take “unsolicited role,” if there is such a term…. 🙂
Great! Thanks sa comment and for the definition of “epal!”
Hi Pastor Joseph,
I recently ended a relationship with a guy because his friendliness with women does not sit well with me. His emotional connection to some lady friends and colleagues, his flirting with the ladies on social networking sites and in person (he does not see this), etc are not things I can and will adjust to. It is just not how I understand exclusivity to be. His actions hurt me and offends me, and I didn’t want to compromise nor settle, thus the break up. But what used to floor me was how always used Jesus’s command to love our neighbors as the reason for his actions! He says to him it’s all innocent, that Jesus did not tell us to choose the gender of people we should befriend, that he will consider everyone his friend/family. I find his answer so ridiculous that it’d be funny if it weren’t so pathetic. Until now I don’t know how to counter it. What are your thoughts on this?
Thanks for your blog! Very insightful even for women who believe God wants only the best for them and should therefore not settle for less!
Wow, yeah, that’s often the case. We are most blind to the faults in us that are so obvious to others. That’s why listening to other people is essential.
I think you were right in calling him out on his behavior. Emotional connection to women other than your partner is immature, irresponsible, and dangerous. It shows a reckless attitude with the relationship especially since you consistently expressed your discomfort with him.
I don’t think there’s any point countering those arguments that way because who insist on doing the wrong thing will be able to find justification anywhere, even if it means twisting the words of Jesus, which is scary for them.
I think you’ve countered it well by getting out of the relationship. If he’s that way now, he’ll continue that way in marriage, unless he realizes how foolish and potentially destructive it is. And you want to be with a man who has the same standards as you with how you will treat each other.
For more on this subject, you might like this blog.
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