This blog is intended to help and bring insight to people. Please feel free to share this with others. It’s not a platform for shaming, embarrassing, or calling anyone out. Any comments of that nature will be deleted.
While it is addressed to the men, women are welcome to read, comment, and share, especially since their perspective would be quite valuable.
This is the beginning of a series of blogs on How to Get the Girl. The idea came from a Facebook status I blogged about last Friday. Finding and getting a girl is the greatest adventure! Some clarifying points before we begin:
I’m writing from my experience, which isn’t that much. Instead of a series of successes in this area, I’m really just a one-hit-wonder. But as we’ll see later on, that’s not a bad thing, in fact it might be preferred.
- Everything I’m writing about has been learned from many other people – older, wiser men and women who set great examples to follow. So none of this is original to me.
- These aren’t tips on how to get a different girl every week and try to score more points than other guys. I don’t know how to do that, and I’m not interested in doing that. This is about finding one woman that you want to love and cherish for life.
The Right Mindset
One of the things I’ve noticed is people want to get right into the techniques and tips for getting a girl, but aren’t always thinking correctly at that point. No technique is going to work if your very approach is already faulty because of the mindset. Here are some questions you want to ask yourself to see what frame of mind you’re in.
1. What do I want a girl for? – A Mindset of Flourishing
Lots of boys talk about wanting to be with a girl. Plenty of them wonder, how do I get a girl to notice me, to like me, to be with me, to be my girlfriend, to marry me? These are pertinent questions, but the first one should be, what do you want all of that for?
Because if the answer is only for yourself – so I can have sex, so I won’t be alone, so I can have a companion – then the desire to enter into a relationship is selfish, which will make the relationship very difficult because the point of relationship is to be selfless.
So many guys are desperately trying to get a girl, but don’t know what they wanna do once they have her. So they put all the effort into the pursuit and have no plan of action for the relationship itself. It’s like someone told me one time,
Don’t bother getting a girl to fall for you if you have no plans to catch her.
My dad taught me that one great mindset to have when entering into a relationship with a woman is: I’m gonna dedicate my life to helping this woman flourish. I want her to be more beautiful, fulfilled, peaceful, joyful, happy after being with me. Now if that’s your mindset, you’re starting selflessly, which is great for the relationship, and great for you as well!
2. How far should I go? – A Mindset of Going All In
I asked someone for a suggestion for this blog title. Here’s the conversation:Joe: Hey, I’m writing a blog series on how to win, woo, land, the woman of your dreams. I need a title. Any suggestions? Someone: How to Get the Girl… Joe: That’s perfect! Someone: …Without Even Trying Joe: That’s the opposite of what I’m saying.
Plenty of guys start with the pursuit process – flowers, flirtatious texts, asking her out, befriending her and thinking you’re so subtle (when they really saw us coming a mile away). But have you counted the cost for how much you’re willing to pour into this thing?
Because if you aren’t sure, please make up your mind fast. In fact, make up your mind before you invite someone else to join your confused state. The woman needs to know if you know where you want this to go. Don’t instigate the process, then let her decide where to take it from there.
Getting a girl is fun, but a lot of hard work. If you haven’t thought about the cost –
- Are you ready to grow up?
- Are you prepared to face some of your personal dysfunctions and improve them for her?
- Are you prepared to adjust in order to spend time with her?
- Are you ready to listen to her deepest thoughts and stand by her?
Have you counted the cost? If you have, please proceed and honestly let her know this is how far you want to take it. Otherwise, be happy with wherever you are now because anything further might cost you more than you’re willing to deal with right now.
3. What if I mess with her life? – A Mindset of Value
This might require some explaining. Some men are reluctant to begin pursuing a woman because they see she’s so accomplished, so together, so intelligent, pretty, unattainable, and we think, “How can I possibly compare to that?”
When I started to fall for my wife, one thing that held me back was her career – being an accomplished actress. singer, and celebrity for most of her life. I knew that entering into a relationship with me might cause her to downscale her role there. Could I handle that?*
Thank God for great mentors.
I remember this gem from Pastor Ferdie Cabiling: Don’t be afraid to mess up her life! If you can look her in the eye, and before God, say to her,
“I love you! I will care for you, protect you, provide for you, and bring out the best in you. Your best life begins with me.”
Then spend the rest of your life proving to her every day that she made the right decision choosing you.
Another one is Pastor Ferdie’s protegé, Pastor Dennis Sy. I asked Dennis because his wife, Thammie, had a promising medical career that she decided not to continue in order to pursue a family with Dennis.Joe: Dennis, don’t you feel guilty? For making Thammie choose between you and her medical career? Dennis: It was her decision. I couldn’t force that on her. But also, her career can’t compare with what I have to offer. It won’t love her through the night, like I will. It won’t pray for her every day, like I will. It won’t speak to her with kindness, like I will. She has greater value with me.
Boom. There you have it. The confidence a man needs in winning a woman. It comes from a rock-solid conviction, that I will give what’s best and most valuable to you. Choose me and I will spend the rest of our lives showing you you made the right decision.
Is that your mindset behind getting the girl? Are you ready to make her flourish? Are you ready to pay the price? Then by all means, go after her! Mess up her current life so she can have the best one with you.
Next Wednesday’s blog will be about what kind of qualities are Valuable to the Woman you’re looking for.
*I don’t think a woman’s career has to end when she’s in a relationship. In fact, Carla continues to work as a writer and blogger today. However, I do feel that for a long term romantic relationship to work, both parties must be willing to prioritize each other even over their careers.