How to Get the Girl: Mindsets

This blog is intended to help and bring insight to people. Please feel free to share this with others. It’s not a platform for shaming, embarrassing, or calling anyone out. Any comments of that nature will be deleted.

While it is addressed to the men, women are welcome to read, comment, and share, especially since their perspective would be quite valuable.

This is the beginning of a series of blogs on How to Get the Girl. The idea came from a Facebook status I blogged about last Friday. Finding and getting a girl is the greatest adventure! Some clarifying points before we begin:

  1. Joseph and Carla in their first month of dating - so delightfully cheesy and awkward.
    Joseph and Carla in their first month of dating – so delightfully cheesy and awkward.

    I’m writing from my experience, which isn’t that much. Instead of a series of successes in this area, I’m really just a one-hit-wonder. But as we’ll see later on, that’s not a bad thing, in fact it might be preferred.

  2. Everything I’m writing about has been learned from many other people – older, wiser men and women who set great examples to follow. So none of this is original to me.
  3. These aren’t tips on how to get a different girl every week and try to score more points than other guys. I don’t know how to do that, and I’m not interested in doing that. This is about finding one woman that you want to love and cherish for life.

And now:

The Right Mindset

One of the things I’ve noticed is people want to get right into the techniques and tips for getting a girl, but aren’t always thinking correctly at that point. No technique is going to work if your very approach is already faulty because of the mindset. Here are some questions you want to ask yourself to see what frame of mind you’re in.

1. What do I want a girl for? – A Mindset of Flourishing

Lots of boys talk about wanting to be with a girl. Plenty of them wonder, how do I get a girl to notice me, to like me, to be with me, to be my girlfriend, to marry me? These are pertinent questions, but the first one should be, what do you want all of that for?

Because if the answer is only for yourself – so I can have sex, so I won’t be alone, so I can have a companion – then the desire to enter into a relationship is selfish, which will make the relationship very difficult because the point of relationship is to be selfless.

So many guys are desperately trying to get a girl, but don’t know what they wanna do once they have her. So they put all the effort into the pursuit and have no plan of action for the relationship itself. It’s like someone told me one time,

Don’t bother getting a girl to fall for you if you have no plans to catch her.

My dad taught me that one great mindset to have when entering into a relationship with a woman is: I’m gonna dedicate my life to helping this woman flourish. I want her to be more beautiful, fulfilled, peaceful, joyful, happy after being with me. Now if that’s your mindset, you’re starting selflessly, which is great for the relationship, and great for you as well!

2. How far should I go? – A Mindset of Going All In

I asked someone for a suggestion for this blog title. Here’s the conversation:

Joe: Hey, I’m writing a blog series on how to win, woo, land, the woman of your dreams. I need a title. Any suggestions?
Someone: How to Get the Girl…
Joe: That’s perfect!
Someone: …Without Even Trying
Joe: That’s the opposite of what I’m saying.

Plenty of guys start with the pursuit process – flowers, flirtatious texts, asking her out, befriending her and thinking you’re so subtle (when they really saw us coming a mile away). But have you counted the cost for how much you’re willing to pour into this thing?

Big romantic gestures - this part is easy. Laying down your life, sacrificing your preferences, saying you're sorry - that's the hard part.
Big romantic gestures – this part is easy. Laying down your life, sacrificing your preferences, saying you’re sorry – that’s the hard part.

Because if you aren’t sure, please make up your mind fast. In fact, make up your mind before you invite someone else to join your confused state. The woman needs to know if you know where you want this to go. Don’t instigate the process, then let her decide where to take it from there.

Getting a girl is fun, but a lot of hard work. If you haven’t thought about the cost –

  • Are you ready to grow up?
  • Are you prepared to face some of your personal dysfunctions and improve them for her?
  • Are you prepared to adjust in order to spend time with her?
  • Are you ready to listen to her deepest thoughts and stand by her?

Have you counted the cost? If you have, please proceed and honestly let her know this is how far you want to take it. Otherwise, be happy with wherever you are now because anything further might cost you more than you’re willing to deal with right now.

3. What if I mess with her life? – A Mindset of Value

This might require some explaining. Some men are reluctant to begin pursuing a woman because they see she’s so accomplished, so together, so intelligent, pretty, unattainable, and we think, “How can I possibly compare to that?”

When I started to fall for my wife, one thing that held me back was her career – being an accomplished actress. singer, and celebrity for most of her life. I knew that entering into a relationship with me might cause her to downscale her role there. Could I handle that?*

Thank God for great mentors.

Like these guys
Pastors Ferdie and Dennis

I remember this gem from Pastor Ferdie Cabiling: Don’t be afraid to mess up her life! If you can look her in the eye, and before God, say to her,

“I love you! I will care for you, protect you, provide for you, and bring out the best in you. Your best life begins with me.”

Then spend the rest of your life proving to her every day that she made the right decision choosing you.

Another one is Pastor Ferdie’s protegé, Pastor Dennis Sy. I asked Dennis because his wife, Thammie, had a promising medical career that she decided not to continue in order to pursue a family with Dennis.

Joe: Dennis, don’t you feel guilty? For making Thammie choose between you and her medical career?
Dennis: It was her decision. I couldn’t force that on her. But also, her career can’t compare with what I have to offer. It won’t love her through the night, like I will. It won’t pray for her every day, like I will. It won’t speak to her with kindness, like I will. She has greater value with me.

Boom. There you have it. The confidence a man needs in winning a woman. It comes from a rock-solid conviction, that I will give what’s best and most valuable to you. Choose me and I will spend the rest of our lives showing you you made the right decision.

Is that your mindset behind getting the girl? Are you ready to make her flourish? Are you ready to pay the price? Then by all means, go after her! Mess up her current life so she can have the best one with you.

Next Wednesday’s blog will be about what kind of qualities are Valuable to the Woman you’re looking for.

*I don’t think a woman’s career has to end when she’s in a relationship. In fact, Carla continues to work as a writer and blogger today. However, I do feel that for a long term romantic relationship to work, both parties must be willing to prioritize each other even over their careers.

Join the discussion

  • Some men think we women are complicated (maybe a little), but the truth is we just want to be pursued. We just want real men who are straight-forward. men who initiate. men who take the lead. We just want men to tell us what they want. Iyong hindi nagpiplay-safe kasi alam nila that we are worth pursuing whether ÿes”or “no” ang sagot namin. Iyong bibigyan kami ng chance magrespond. haha! 😀

  • Awesome blog. It really is thought-provoking. I am blessed that you were able to tackle all the areas in which I am having questions with. And I am really encouraged by your number three mindset. Haha! Keep at it! 🙂

    • Wow! Thanks for the comment; it’s really helpful. Please let me know if there’s other things I failed to address or other suggestions of questions you have for the following ones.

  • Most boys are not willing to take up the challenge of pursuing the girl they want. and mostly don’t like to exert much effort, as always, they want to take the easy way. Some girls on the other hand, give in just as easily.. hindi magpahabol.. Girls need to have the right mindset and character.. Girls need to build their worth and character to be worthy of the chase..

    • Thanks Lisha! Great question also, one that many people will have to wrestle with. Like I said at the end of the blog, I don’t think a career and a long-lasting relationship are incompatible. They could work, and they do work for many couples all the time.

      What I’m saying though is for the relationship to last, the couple must be willing to prioritize each other over the careers if it comes to that. So Carla and I are clear that our marriage and our family is more important than my work in ministry or her work in showbiz.

  • In my humble opinion,it takes two hands to clap,both parties must be willing to compromise.We are living in the 21st century,if a girl is interested in a guy,she can pursue him too as long he’s worth the effort.

    I have come across countless number of couples,attached,engaged,married and otherwise who do not even know what they want in life.

    For single guy like me from Singapore,i have never ever been in any relationship before other than being intimate with The Lord,Christ Jesus,i find most women in general are unable to handle crisis.Reality bites the dust once the honeymoon is over.Maturity and stability plays a significant role for both genders.

    I wish to say more,that will be for another day.Cheers and God bless.

  • I am a family physician and can honestly say the majority of my colleagues are married with families. It takes an extraordinary man to support a woman who has decided to contribute her gifts to the community as a physician. It is challenging work, but it is also a gift to be able to work as a female physician. The physicians in my office are all married to men who are as amazing as my colleagues. Don’t let a woman’s job discourage you from being with her if you are willing to deal with her occupational inconveniences. Of course, she should be willing to compromise, but that is a part of any relationship- communicating well and being a good team.

    • Thank you, Jennifer, for your comment. Yes, I totally agree that a woman’s career is not an automatic relationship-killer. In fact, it can enrich the relationship because it gives both parties the opportunity to mutually sacrifice for each other. What’s important is that career-oriented or not, they are both willing to do what’s best for the relationship.

  • Boom! awesome insights sir. Love starts with the right foundation and that is Christ. Let Christ transform our mindset, break every culture and norms of this world, set our hearts in the right direction. In Christ we’ll find maturity; maturity in a holistic approach. Nice one sir! This article should be in the front-pages of magazines and news papers that people’s eyes will be open. 😀

    • Thanks John! I’m encouraged that you see Christ in it right away! SPOILER ALERT: That’s really the point of all this. The mindset of selflessnes, being totally dedicated to the flourishing of the other, these are only small reflections of how Jesus loves us. Great comment, John!

  • This is what a single guy like me should know about haha. How to Get the Girl: Mindsets wanna make me wait for more of your blog series. Keep it up bro. Best blog that ive read so far this year. Thanks man.

  • This is great! I remember how my fiance decided to pursue me, beginning with the same mindset and concerns such as yours. God, the great love story writer of all time, orchestrated everything for us. Keep on blogging! 🙂

  • I used to believe that men nowadays are just interested about “just getting a girl” with no plans of flourishing and marrying her. But that’s just because I was looking at the wrong venue. When I started looking to God, being surrounded by godly people, and desiring what God wants for me, I saw that there are still lots of men who can pursue a woman with purity and selflessness. When I was praying for my God’s best, I only had 2 things in mind, I want a man who honors God and who will honor me as a woman. 🙂

  • Greeting sir Bonifacio, first time reader here… and thank you very much for this inspiring piece. I can honestly say that I can answer all of the questions above in the affirmative (i.e. I have an unselfish reason, willing to put in the effort for someone who I know is worth it, and confident that I can give a woman something valuable that she won’t find in most guys), but where I’m struggling with is that women aren’t inclined to give me a shot. Take my word that I have lots of examples to substantiate this claim of being turned down even before meeting me in person or conversing with me even online but this comment would be very long if I share them. The point I’m trying to make is, the characteristics and mindset that you discussed above are great, but they are characteristics “within” (found in most decent and nice guys). On the other hand, most women are inclined to entertain or give shots to men who have “outwardly” traits like pogi, macho, powerful, or famous and just fall in love with the niceness (if present) afterwards.

    How can you get the girl if you aren’t given the chance to show your sincere intentions and when women (especially in a #YOLO, digital, hastagging generation we live on right now) quickly filter potential suitors via “outward” traits (FYI, I don’t blame women for doing so, it’s really necessary but a few good men fall through the cracks)? And assuming we don’t have any access to Will Smith’s Alex “Hitch” Hitchen’s services.

    I just realized that this is a series and you might discuss this exact question (how to get women to give you a shot) in future episodes but I’ve already gone to far into writing this comment so I can’t turn back now =) But I do hope you can provide some insights =)

    • Hey Kurt, I truly appreciate your honesty. And you’re right, we’ll tackle that in the next blogs. (Tomorrow will start actually.)

      But here are a couple of quick suggestions:
      – Where are you finding these women? I don’t think all women only look at the externals, so maybe adjust your scope to see where they are?
      – Being nice and decent isn’t enough. That’s the mistake of many nice guys. They think that just because they are nice, women will jump into a relationship with them. Being a decent guy is great, but it takes more than that. We’ll see tomorrow!
      – Maybe a season of not looking around and just pursuing your passions could help also. A guy who’s only about looking for a woman, like a stray dog looking for a master, isn’t appealing to them. But a man who’s going somewhere with his life is.

  • this topic is what I really need. Yes, most of the time I’m selfish, all I think is about me. Now I realized why my past relationships don’t last, I always make myself look good for her, look decent for her, everything that makes me more attractive to her and forgetting about what I can offer.

    • Wow, Chris! Yours is one of my favorite comments so far. I’m so encouraged to hear you say this because knowing our own selfishness is the first step to becoming selfless. That kind of realization has to be divinely-inspired because on our own we will defend our selfishness. Hehe. I’m happy for you and excited for your future.

  • Hi Ptr Joseph!
    your blog is very timely and surely a blessing to guys this age.
    I just hope that before a man continue to pursue a woman he really likes, he should lay down first his intentions in pursuing the relationship with her and patiently wait for the girl to reflect on the vision he has for their future. a girl wants a man to lead her not to mislead her.
    more blessings to you and to your family!

  • Awesome insights! I wish i read this 20 years ago, it would have saved me a lot of heartaches if only this was my standard for men..this is a must read for boys and girls, men and women alike…in fact, read this blog regularly!

    Hope to see this in your own book someday, Joe !! Thanks for inspiring and challenging men to value women the way God intended.

  • Finally, someone just put on and wrote the whole picture in the clearest way possible. Time to author a book maybe?

  • All I can say Ptr. Joe is Thank you for sharing this, Answered Prayer 🙂 Need to change my mindset, she(in the future) deserved more from me.

  • Hi Pastor Joseph! Great article! I learned a lot from reading this especially dun sa part about the proper mindsets when entering a relationship. Will definitely take note of these 🙂 Even though the article was meant for boys, super applicable din siya for girls – in choosing the right partners and in checking if we are already prepared to become great partners 🙂 I will share this with my brothers and cousins. I know that they will also learn a lot from reading this. Will wait for your next blog entry! God bless! 🙂

  • Hello Ps Joe, it was in 2010/2011 when I first heard you talk in Victory LB when I was in college. I was so consumed by your message that it sank in my heart and just months ago I found reviewing my notes because I find it timely in my life! Haha.

    Anyway, just to add on “Don’t bother getting a girl to fall for you if you have no plans to catch her.”, I think, girls shouldn’t do the same thing with men din 😐

  • very insightful read ptr. joe!would definitely get some pointers here but i’d like to suggest some things briefly if you don’t mind.In terms of relationship in order to work she needs to feel that you value her, that you are ready to protect her, that you are willing to understand her even if you don’t(because men and women don’t speak the same language), that she can always count on you, that you are ready to make decisions and lastly, allow her to play the female gender role by making her feel like a woman.This i think is the gender role that guys should play.

  • What’s really disturbing to me is that, in spite of Joseph constantly stressing the quality of selflessness, so many commenters still unconsciously fail to be truly introspective. There’s an insidious undercurrent of blame, belitting and infantizilation of women that needs to be called out here.

    I’m seeing comments along the lines of:

    “The problem is, most women can’t handle a crisis.”

    “The problem is, most women only consider/like men with outward characteristics.”

    And my personal favorite: “A GIRL wants a MAN to lead her, not mislead her.”

    Maybe we should consider the possibility that there are strong women who don’t consider themselves GIRLS and don’t want to be LED by the nose. And the reason why they don’t like you isn’t because nice guys finish last. It’s because they can smell your condescension a mile away. Too many men are walking around with this terrible “I’m such a prize!” complex, and this attitude of entitlement needs to stop.

    It’s not a common assumption that women are complicated, it’s a fact. Women are complicated not because they’re women, but because women are people, and ALL PEOPLE ARE COMPLICATED.

    Oh, and you know what? Maybe instead of complaining that women are indecisive and selfish and what-have-you, maybe you can ask yourself why the heck you keep gravitating to women who happen to be indecisive and selfish. Give me a break, guys.

    • Hey Victor, I’ve noticed that too. You’re right that the healthiest first step is to check ourselves first before blaming other people. And blaming people doesn’t improve anyone’s situation.

      Also, the whole point of thinking in terms of VALUES is people will opt in when they find something they value. So if a woman doesn’t choose the man, the obvious answer is he didn’t give her enough to value. So instead of blaming the girls, we should check ourselves first.

      I also agree that if we keep liking and getting rejected by these women, we need to check our own selection process first.

      I agree with all your points, even though I wouldn’t have used that tone. I’ve been clueless and ignorant in the past also, and I’m very grateful for the people who would correct me lovingly, without rubbing it into my face.

  • what if you are genuine an sincere in your beliefs and the Christian lady still rejects you? society’s moral fabric states that if you move on too quickly, you were not. But it’s the only real way to move on, in my humble opinion. thus a negative reputation is born. =/

    relationships can get tricky, and at times we are our own worst enemy.

    • Hmm… Good question. Maybe we can answer that later on. But for now, here are some tips:

      The question “Is it too soon to move on?” takes other people’s opinions into account too much. A better question would be, “Why am I moving on?”

      Is it because: A.) You realized she wasn’t the best person for you after all, or B.) You have no interest in waiting and continuing to pursue her, or C.) The rejection was embarrassing and you want to put it behind you.

      If it’s A.) then it’s good for you to adjust your calibrations next time. But you do it too often, and people will think you’re insincere.

      If it’s B.) then your intentions weren’t sincere to begin with, since this set back is enough to change your mind completely.

      If it’s C.) then the intentions were also insincere because the most influential factor in the relationship is personal comfort and ease, not concern for the other.

      In short, yes, move on by all means. But “why” you move on and “how” you move on is what can turn people off.

  • yeah.. very nice insights but somehow i don’t understand why some girls aren’t looking for the same thoughts you’ve shared. pursuing is really into us (men) but some girls are really hard as stone 😀 . Salute Ptr. Joe!

    • Thanks!

      I think a person’s preferences says a lot about them. What a guy likes tells you what kind of guy he is. What a girl likes tells you what kind of girl she is. So I never worried about girls who didn’t like what I felt were the right things, because she probably wasn’t the kind of girl I was looking for anyway. There are BILLIONS of girls in the world anyway, and I only needed to find one.

  • Good morning ptr. Joseph. This is one great blog but sadly the values that are presented here are almost forgotten by this generation. 🙁 I believe that these should go back and stay for good.

    One of the points I really liked is,

    “The confidence a man needs in winning a woman. It comes from a rock-solid conviction, that I will give what’s best and most valuable to you.”

    A lot of men forget about this thus insecurities begin to arise within them and all of a sudden they forget their identity and their conviction is tampered by fear. Thank you for bringing this up. 🙂

  • Pastor Joseph, wow… that actually makes a lot of sense… thank you very much… looking forward to your future posts for this series =)

  • “Choose me and I will spend the rest of our lives showing you made the right decision.”- This. Boom!.Honestly, I’m afraid to fall in love. Not so certain about the reason pero one thing is for sure. SIns in the past holds me back. Im fearful na baka I’m not “good enough for who ever she is”. I tend to look down on myself(that’s eating up my confidence). But that is a wrong mindset. Im forgiven, cleansed, pure and free. I can love like how God loved, loves and will continually love me.Now reading this, Im confident I can love, and be loved whoever I was.

    • Yes, I feel for you, Cesar. Thank you for sharing something so personal. And you’re absolutely right about the answer. Your past has been covered and removed from you by Jesus. It has been replaced by Jesus’ perfection. So you definitely can love, because He first loved you.

  • Hey bro, i just have this question. How does this apply to a woman in a relationship. I mean if i answer yes to all the questions that i should ask myself.

      • Nope i mean… i like this girl and i have answered yes to all the questions why i want to be with her. But the thing is she is in a.relationship and i know i can be a better significant other. Yet she is in a relationship… should i still pursue her?

        • Ah….. Sorry, I thought you were a girl. Haha… Well, here’s the thing, I don’t think there’s a definite right or wrong in the question: should I pursue a girl who is in a relationship. So let’s do Pros and Cons.

          Option 1: Do Nothing –
          You aren’t seen as a jerk by the boyfriend or anyone.
          You aren’t unnecessarily complicating an issue.
          You might go crazy seeing her with someone else.

          Option 2: Go After Her
          You might have more peace
          You end up with the love of your life.

          That boyfriend may never forgive you.
          If you go after her, even while she’s in a relationship, but you don’t end up with her – like you lose interest or fall out of love, you’ll look like a total jerk, because you kinda are.

          So there. I would therefore advice: Go if you you’re 110% percent sure you answered yes to all those mindset questions and you have the assets to deliver the goods. Otherwise, wait it out.

  • Just stumbled upon your article and it surely helped me get my perspectives in order 🙂 Although this is for men, I think the questions and the right answers to that does apply to women. :)) Hoping for a blog like this one for the women’s side. Or pede ding si Ate Carla mag lagay ng inputs niya :)))

  • Lately, people around me have been asking me to get a love life already and honestly I’m bothered about it. Good thing a dear friend shared me about this article — makes me realize that as God prepares someone having the right constitution and mindset for me, I must prepare myself for that person too. 🙂

  • I am almost finished with Wild at Heart and it also speaks of us being men, warriors. The norm, sadly, is to select and select. If only I could talk to each men who’s telling me that and say these things, that to pick one is harder than choosing in a seemingly buffet (so as they see it). I always say to them it’ll save you the heart ache in the future.

    Choosing just one takes precision, planning, and of course, clear hearing to God’s voice (Samuel’s ear I must say), dedication on pursuing, and taking a stand at it. A warrior, and the woman our beauty to rescue, nurture, and love. 🙂

    What a nice read, Ptr Joseph!

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