This blog is intended to help and bring insight to people. Please feel free to share this with others. It’s not a platform for shaming, embarrassing, or calling anyone out. Any comments of that nature will be deleted.
While it is addressed to the men, women are welcome to read, comment, and share, especially since their perspective would be quite valuable.
This is the fourth of a series of blogs on How to Get the Girl. I’m sharing some insights and thoughts on going after the woman you want to maybe marry one day. The first three blogs can be found here, here, and here. So far we’ve been building up to the moment right before we ask the girl out. Now we’re at the place where the guy is getting ready to tell the girl.
But even though most men have felt this impulse to pursue a woman, many of us differ on how it’s done and what it looks like. Here are common questions we’ve encountered that men ask when they’re about to pursue a woman.
1. Do we need to be friends first?
Yes and no. There are pros and cons for both sides.
Being friends helps a lot. You know about her interests, passions, and common friends, so you have a lot of starting resources to develop the relationship. The downside is if it doesn’t work out you might lose a friend. And it can also get awkward for your mutual friends who might feel like they have to choose between you two.
Not being friends doesn’t have the risk of losing a friendship, but it will be difficult to convince the girl that you’re serious and you really know her. It might seem random and almost arbitrary. She might ask herself, “What makes him say he likes me when he doesn’t know me?” You’ll also have to act quickly to get to know her. But that’s fine, if that’s what you’re prepared to do.
Personally, Carla and I were great friends before we started dating. The conversations were already free-flowing and light, before they became intimate and emotionally-charged. I was ready to dare to date her and lose the friendship. But I’ve also seen couples who weren’t friends at first who worked out well. It depends largely on the girl and her preferences.
NOTE ON BEING FRIENDZONED: Some guys are afraid to pursue their female friends because they’re afraid to be friendzoned. If you can still live with this tension, then don’t pursue the girl and just bake in your own indecision. But if you’re past that, and you really want to pursue her, and you’re willing to take the risk, then maybe she’ll appreciate it. I’m sure she’ll like it better that you let her know where you stand, instead of making her play a guessing game.
2. What if I can’t get close to her?
Well, that’s where your skill, energy, and dedication as a man pursuing a woman comes in. Like the saying goes, “All’s fair in love and war.” I think, most guys who say they don’t have time to get to know the girl, really haven’t prioritized it. They expect to still live their normal lives – work, basketball time, DOTA time – and occasionally have a companion to the movies. Maybe that will happen, but maybe not. The question is, what are you prepared to do?
When Carla and I were dating, she was still on Umagang Kay Ganda. There were days when I would wake up at 3 AM to be at her house by 4 AM, ride with her to ABS-CBN at 5. Then commute to the office at 7:15 AM. Those two hours and 15 minutes in the studio would be our “date.” You do what you have to do to be with the one you want to be with.
3. What if I like a girl who’s already in a relationship?
I know in Philippine culture, that’s kind of a no-no. Don’t mess with a girl who’s already dating someone. And 99% of the time, I would agree with that. But if you’re a guy who is going to go crazy. And you’re convinced you have a shot. Then why not give it a go? It’s better than wondering “what if?” for the rest of your life. I know a number of healthy marriages today that started with one or the other party already in a relationship that they realized wasn’t working for them.
Two warnings though:
- The stakes are higher this time. If you do this casually and mess up people’s lives this way, you will have a very bad reputation that will be very difficult to live down. Don’t decide this randomly.
- If the girl has been sending you signals of being into you while in a relationship, think hard. Is she honestly confiding in you as a friend? That, I think, is fine. Or is she trying to swim in two streams – flirting with you while in a relationship? That, I think, is scary. Coz if she does that now with you, can she do that later on with someone else? Pray pray pray. 🙂
4. How much money do I need?
See How to Get the Girl: Assets, point #2
5. What if she’s out of my league?
Even better! De naka lamang ka! Ayaw mo non? But seriously, if you develop your assets, like I said in How to Get the Girl: Assets. You could have a reasonable shot. That’s why we have The Helmet Club.
6. How can I be sure she’ll say yes?
You can’t be sure until you ask her! Hahaha! This venture is not for the faint-of-heart. This is not for seguristas. There is no way to eliminate the risk. This is loving leadership in one of its most beautiful forms. Sure there’s a little bit to lose, but there’s everything to gain also. 🙂