Here’s the second set of questions from the Singapore event that Carla and I spoke at a few weeks ago. There were so many, we split them up between blogs. And again, we enlisted the help of our Singaporean contact – Jek Valle!
1. How do you let the emotions settle and listen to your heart eventually? There seems to be a battle between logic and emotion when it comes to courting.
He Said: Err… About logic and emotions, you’re right. I don’t “listen to my heart” all the time, because I can easily fool myself. All of us have a superpower and that is the supernatural ability to fool ourselves. We can make ourselves believe any kind of foolishness, if we want to.
Knowing that, I am grateful for God speaking to me through His Word, through my conscience, and through other people. So like when I wanted to pursue Carla, I wasn’t sure if I was really hearing from God or just being emotionally attracted. So I prayed, talked to wise mentors, and asked God to let me know what His will was.
She Said: I think that we can never base our decisions on either logic or emotion. While we have both and it would be great to put them to use, I always make my decisions, specially when it comes to relationships, by consulting God’s Word, my mentors in the faith, and ultimately search His Will and Spirit on the matter.
But here’s a thought. I am more inclined to use logic only because my emotions can be very deceitful and self-serving. Also, emotions easily follow while our heads, NOT. Haha! Lastly, more often than not, what’s logical will make the most sense about your state of joy in the end. Example: I wanna be happy in my marriage. And the only way to achieve this if I find a man who has a real relationship with Jesus, discipled, and a true leader. (Because it takes this much for a man to be able to truly love a woman, I believe.) Which means, logically speaking, I’d have to stay away from those who don’t fit the description even if I end up liking them. If I don’t and decide to settle, then I’ve just ruined my window for a joyful marriage!
Jek Said: Being attracted to someone is an emotion. Emotions are not based in science. And if you can’t quantify or prove that something exists, well, in my mind… it doesn’t. haha!
So I’m more on logic side, my heart is so deceitful and my emotions are unstable, I’m not saying that my mind is always right but it is safe to say that you’ll be more sure when you use logic. When you decide with your head.:)
2. I’m not confident to lead my girlfriend, because it seems she is more spiritually mature than I am. What do I do?
He Said: Congratulations on finding a spiritually mature woman! That’s a great quality to have in a spouse. Leading someone doesn’t mean superiority or you’re better than them in every way. It just means you lead, you serve, you take responsibility. If you’re willing to do that, you can lead.
I trust Carla’s maturity and in some areas she’s much more advanced than me. And that’s something I’m glad she brings into our relationship. But as the leader, I take responsibility for everything in our family, even in the area where she’s “more mature.”
She Said: I’ve seen this happen to one of the women in my weekly group. She was way ahead of her husband when it came to the faith. Nevertheless God honored the husband’s desire and actions towards leading his wife spiritually. I’ve seen the man truly seek for godly counsel and pour all of his heart and energy into reading His Word. Before we know it, God had turned things around for them and made it necessary for the woman to trust and submit to her husband in everything. To this day they cannot believe how much the man has grown simply by devoting all of who he is to Jesus and the Bible.
Jek Said: Fear not, take it as a challenge. Go to your leader and I’m sure he can help you on what’s a good book to read, what chicken rice to eat, what podcast to listen to, or even to stay away from people like Raffy.
3. Whats your stand on courting your ex girlfriend? she is confused on what she wants She broke up with me. How to know if its worth to chase her again?
He Said: You’ve just arrived at the main intersection of both the best part and the hardest part of what it means to be a man pursuing a woman. That intersection is this: it’s entirely your call if you want to make this work or not.
I’ve seen relationships where the girl broke it off, but the guy kept pursuing and eventually won her over. I’ve also seen ones that didn’t work out, and both moved on and were both glad to have done so.
So the question is, do you want to go for her again? If you can live without her, then do that. You’ll outgrow the need for her soon enough. But if you can’t, then I guess you have your answer – you’re gonna want to go after her and make this relationship work.
She Said: Only you can answer this question. Whatever you decide on, just make sure that it isn’t just because you got used to being with her. Go for her if you think 1) it honors God to be with her and 2) if you can effectively lead her in case you get married.
Jek Said: Ex as in X? Maybe something went wrong that’s why it’s “X”, and you mentioned she is confused on what she wants. Give her time to find herself, check lost and found section maybe she’s there.
4. say youre about to propose but you still dont have enough money for the wedding, and you know that in 3 years youll have enough for the wedding and some more, should you wait or propose?
He Said: Is the wedding money the only thing keeping you from proposing? Why is this such a big factor? Is it because you want to give her a dream wedding or because you’re afraid she won’t stay with you if you don’t have enough?
If it’s the former, then I don’t think she’ll mind if she doesn’t have all the trappings. You two can believe God together for what you don’t have. Having a lot of money isn’t a prerequisite to a happy marriage. In fact, the difficult times and hard seasons form part of your story together and bring you closer. Remember, you’re proposing for a marriage which lasts a lifetime, not for a wedding which only lasts half a day.
If it’s the latter, then ask yourself if you really want to be married to a woman whose love for you is based on your bank account.
She Said: Oooh. Tough question. For a woman like me, I’d say don’t propose, and tell her the truth. That you actually have a plan, only that it won’t come until after 3 years. But that’s coming from a woman like me and I am not sensitive about those things. I would rather have the straight up truth than all romance.
So do check your girl first and see if she’s like me. Or the exact opposite. Because success lies in first answering that question, haha!
The other thing is there’s also the “faith factor.” When joe and I got married, we really didn’t have the means to come up with the wedding of our dreams. Yet somehow God provided for the desires of our heart. You might wanna read my blog about that over here: http://www.ricaperalejo.ph/2013/the-faith-factor/
Jek Said: You propose. Money is a big part of the wedding preps, But bro let us not forget that we have a Father that is generous. if it’s HIs will it’s his Bill. You and you’re soon to be wife just need to decide with the details of the wedding. If what is negotiable or the non-negotiables, the important thing is your wife is happy, it doesn’t have to be expensive and extravagant, as long as she is happy and you are happy because it is YOUR wedding not some know-it-all-guys who keep on suggesting buying expensive and unecessary things.
There you go! Thank you, Every Nation Church Singapore, for the opportunity! If you have questions you’d like answered, please leave us a comment and we’ll try to compile another list!